How I find my self trapped in my ever-reducing sensations, which are
damaged by the conditions of my existence, I do not know. And why is it
that way, does not matter anymore.It should have never mattered.
Perhaps one day I will figure the ways in which the daily matters of
existence operate. And I fear that day, for my days will be the most
tedious after the figuration happens; when there are no more questions
left, there will be no motivations to continue one's existence. I will
consider myself 'learned' if one day I find the kind of conviction that
Rilke displayed in his letters to "the young poet," the dear Mr. Kappus,
for he despite his dilemmatic struggles writes:
"But
every thing that may someday be possible for many people, the solitary
man can now,already, prepare and build with his own hands, which make
fewer mistakes.Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing
out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far
away, you write, and this shows that the space around you is beginning
to grow vast. And if what is near you is far away, then your vastness is
already among the stars and is very great; be happy about your growth,
in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with
those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't
torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or
joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple
and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't
necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when
you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent
toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that
you trust. Avoid providing material for the drama, that is always
stretched tight between parent and children; it uses up much of the
children's strength and wastes the love of the elders, which acts and
warms even if it doesn't comprehend Don't ask for any advice from them
and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being
stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love
there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far
as you wish without having to step outside it." [ Rainer Maria Rilke,
Letters to a Young Poet, Worpswede, near Bremen, July 16, 1903.]
Maybe one day I will find such conviction, but for now, it is time for me to do the"heart-work!"*
*"The
work of the eyes is done. Go now and do the heart-work on the images
imprisoned within you." [Rilke, Wendung (Turning Point)]
